[DAY 65 OF THE DEEP END PROJECT]
Gabrielle Bernstein, New York Times Bestselling Author, Spiritual Mentor and Speaker wrote a book called Judgement Detox.
I am a semi fan of Gabi’s work. Her book Universe has Your Back opened my path to Spirituality and I am forever grateful for her but I didn’t jive with some of her other books.
In one of her Instagram videos, Gabi straight up told everyone that out of 8 of her books, Judgement Detox is one that half the people who read, do not finish.
That includes me.
I’ll be honest. When I started reading it, it was excruciating. The exercises were painful and required a level of commitment I did not have. In the end, frustrated, I gave up and haven’t picked it back up since then.
The truth is, I am addicted to Judgement.
I didn’t realise this when I was reading the book, which by the way was 3 years ago and I certainly didn’t realise it during the last 3 years.
But I did somewhat recently.
This year I’ve been deeply committed to growing Spiritually and one of the things that has enabled me to do is have a heightened sense of self-awareness.
It’s pretty cool actually. I am able to almost step out of my body and watch my beliefs, my patterns, my behavior and my thoughts.
And recently as I was being a watcher to my own thoughts, something happened.
I was going on about my day, doing my thing which includes a lot of judging (so I have learned now). I suddenly slipped into the watcher mode.
It was the most bizarre thing. It was like the watcher and I were 2 different people and the watcher said to me “Gee Deepshikha, all that judging takes up a lot of your brain space, doesn’t it? Who would you be without it?”
I immediately went into a judgement match with myself “No it doesn’t. I don’t judge. I never judge. What are you talking about.?”
I slipped back into my body, cussed the watcher me for being so judgy and went on with my day.
But the thought didn’t leave me “who would you be without all that judgement?”
The watcher showed me how much I judged. All day, everyday. Judged my self, my husband, my kids, my friends, everyone!
“Wow I really do judge a lot!”
That thought reminded me of Gabi’s book, Judgement Detox and her Instagram video last year. It reminded me why I wasn’t able to read the book.
Because the book requires some serious commitment & honestly a level of Spiritual Awareness to stop judging.
I wasn’t ready for it then.
As I watched myself getting thrashed in my own judging thoughts, I could clearly “see” how much brain space it took, how much pain and anxiety it caused me, as I rolled and spiraled in negative thoughts.
It happened one night when right before bed I scrolled Instagram and saw someone I know celebrating a milestone in her business.
That’s it. That’s all it took for me to go into a judgement attack.
I am gonna share this with you here (since I am committed to true self expression) but I will say I am not proud of it.
I judged her for having a successful business.
I judged her for her looks, her confidence
I thought things like “of course she can do it, she has no kids” or “she must be lying” or “so what I bet her personal life sucks”
I launched judgement attacks after attacks as I lay there in bed, my stomach literally in knots.
And if that wasn’t enough, I took a 360 degree turn on the judgement missile and launched those attacks on myself.
“Only if I was smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, white enough”
Wrenching in this ego fueled attack, I suddenly remembered something. The question from my watcher “Who would you be without that judgement?”
I swear if there was a 12 Step Program for judgement, I’d have walked right into it.
I would have filled my paper cup with bitter & stale coffee, shifted uncomfortably on those steel chairs and said “ I am Deepshikha and I am a Judgement Addict.”
Since there’s no such program (that I am aware of) and I needed immediate relief from my pain that night, me and Watcher decided something on the spot.
I decided I didn’t want to spend any more of my brain space on judging myself or others. I decided enough is enough. I decided I wanted to be free of my addiction. I decided that I would put myself on a challenge.
A Judgement Detox.
I committed to spending 1 day without judging, then 3 days, then 5 days, then a week. And slowly I’ll increase it to a month.
There’s only 1 condition. If I falter, I won’t judge, I won’t berate. I will re-commit to it, again.
Well, I am happy to report to you that I have failed many many times. But every time it has brought a new level of awareness, a stronger resolve to let go of my addiction and a deep desire to go deeper.
Maybe it will take a lifetime, maybe I’ll never be free from it. I don’t know.
What I do know is that without the thoughts of judgement, the watcher and I become one and that is a sweet, sweet feeling.
“Who would I be without that judgement?” She had asked me once.
Without it, I will be you. I’ll finally be you.