[DAY 48 OF THE DEEP END PROJECT]
Let’s talk about them.
Do you collect them?
I realised I’ve been collecting them since I was a baby.
Everything I’ve done – from sitting quietly on the bus to pushing through six figure launches, have been to collect my badge.
Claps on the back.
Stars pinned on my chest.
A stamp of approval that I belong in their world.
Why is it their world and not my world?
Why do I have to earn their approval?
Why do they hold the strings to my worth?
And why even after I’ve earned the badge through blood, sweat and tears, do I always feel like I still don’t belong?
I should’ve asked these questions before. Maybe when I was 4 or 7?
It’s not too late even now.
I really started questioning my need to always get awarded a gold star a couple years ago.
It all came to head when last year my company crossed $400K in lifetime sales.
First, I blinked a few times. I couldn’t believe it.
Me, a stay-at-home mom built this thing from the ground up and now the only woman in her family to have ever owned a business and made legit money from it.
Shouldn’t I get my golden badge now?
I texted my dad immediately. He replied with a thumbs up emoji.
“That’s all?” Don’t you have anything else to say?” I thought to myself.
He didn’t. Not to me atleast.
No badge of honor.
No gold stars.
And now I felt even more horrible than I did when I didn’t make all that money.
You know that Instagram quote?
“An amazing thing happens when you stop seeking validation from others. YOU FIND IT!”
It’s the truth!
You won’t find it the first time because you are addicted to seeking it.
You won’t even find it the second or the third or the fourth time.
Just like a drug addict has to go through the withdrawal process of quitting drugs. The first few months he’s very vulnerable. He can go back at the slightest temptation. We too need time, space and a really good support system to wean ourselves from the need to get gold stars.
And just when you think you’ve got it, when you no longer rely on anyone’s approval. When you say “there, I am a person, I approve myself,” something will happen that’ll tempt you & suck you back right in.
Don’t give in.
In her book, You Are a Badass, Jen Sincero says “Life often turns to shit before it turns to shinola.”
I can confirm this.
The Universe wants to jump on it one last time to make sure it’s nice and strong.
In those moments when life is falling apart and it seems like you’re dying, remember that YOU ARE DYING.
I can confirm this too.
That part of you that so badly needs the gold stars is dying and it’s not happy. It’s screeching and clawing and holding on to any part of you that it can.
Let go of it and it lets go of you just as easily. You are then reborn.
Gold Stars? What Gold stars? You have the entire Universe inside of you.
Pluck as many stars you want.
A thumbs up from others is not needed.