[DAY 35 OF THE DEEP END PROJECT]
The other day I was sitting at a cafe by myself. I had an hour to kill before dinner with my friend. My instant reaction was to pull up my phone and scroll facebook, Insta. But I didn’t feel like it, so I put my phone away.
After a few seconds, I thought I’ll call a friend. I pulled my phone out again but something stopped me.
I heard a voice from my heart
“Why is it so hard to sit with myself?”
“Why do I feel the constant need to busy my mind rather than just be with my thoughts and feelings?”
“Do I not like myself enough to spend even an hour with me?”
This time I put my phone away for good and spent a full hour with all of me.
This post is inspired by that time.
Who am I?
I AM A LOT!
Born in a country and a family where the biggest crime you could commit was to be born a girl, I think I decided in utero that I’ll compensate for the lack of my penis with my personality.
And, because the culture and society completely had the reins to my self worth (no matter how much I tried to tug it back from them), I had to do a lot of deciding for myself from a very early on.
At age 3, I decided I am gonna name myself. Deepshikha means flame and yes I am here to light the fire in you.
At age 9, I decided that even though I loved playing with Barbie and Ken, my joy levels tripled when I was on track and field, winning races.
This, of course, was frowned upon because good girls have their noses in books and then they grow up to take a decent job and marry a man and have two kids.
In my teens, I decided I was gonna be the good girl with a dash of defiance. I was in a muddy tug of war to get my self worth back.
I found it years later – muddy, trampled on and with a million cracks on it. I’ve been carrying it ever since, gently in my heart. It gets stronger every day and while some cracks have healed, some are generations old and run deep.
The armor of defiance carried me on in my fight for a good 10 years or so. I did all the right things but on my account.
You see, when your patriarchal conditioning is so deep even though you are also a strong, powerful woman, you can’t wander away too far.
Your leash is long, but it’s still a leash.
I graduated from one of the top colleges, got a decent job, married the love of my life, quit the decent job and became a mom.
At age 32, after being a stay-at-home mom to 2 kids for 6+ years, I decided I wanted to reclaim my own identity, especially my financial identity, so I started my business.
Starting my own business was the first step in my journey back home to myself.
My journey of self exploration.
And while it’s been wildly successful…..
Multiple 6-figures in 3 years.
An amazing roster of clients.
A Rich Life.
I’ve realised all these things do not define who I am.
Because, I am not a phase or a milestone.
I am an experience. A full blown experience.
And I am finally ready to savor this full experience that I am with love, with compassion and with so much reverence.
P.S – I wrote this for myself, but I also wrote this for you. For you too, my love, are a full blown, one-time mega experience!!