[DAY 31 OF THE DEEP END PROJECT]
30 Days. 30 Long Form pieces of self expressive writing.
If someone would have told me 2 months ago I’ll be doing this, I’d have laughed and said “I don’t have time for this.”
I actually always had time for this. I just didn’t give it priority.
Now I do.
Public shaming is death to a People Pleasing Manifestor like me.
Of course I’ve declared things in public before and never finished them. That’s what we Manifestors do.
But this is different.
It’s personal this time.
The Deep End Project is for my soul. It’s helping be (un)become so that I can truly be all of me.
I observed a few things about myself in the first 30 days of this experiment of my Unbecoming because you know it is after all a public deep writing project
- The first week was very hard. As always I had not thought this through at all. I struggled to adjust my day to fit in the writing. I don’t think I’ve still got my groove on but I am not as stressed as I was in the first week.
- I did not wake up with my head full of ideas. Nope. Some days I really had to dig deep. My default kept going to “what can I talk about that’s gonna get me most comments or will be the most useful to my audience.” But I had to bring myself back to why I am doing this. Everyday I had to ask “what do I really want to talk about today?”
- There were some topics I was very scared to write about. My hands shook and I had to step away from my laptop. After I wrote this piece about coming out of the Spiritual Closet and this one on Racism, I prayed that no one reads it.
- I love writing. I hate posting about it on Social Media. If there’s a world if I can just keep writing without making social media posts, I’d move there in an instant. I don’t mind pressing publish on my Blog, but posting on Social felt like such a brag to me and I hate it. I keep thinking “they are gonna think, there she goes again with her stupid project.” or “noone cares about this Deepshikha.” I still struggle with this one big time!
- Even though I hate posting about my daily writing on Social, I 100% attach my self worth to the response I get on social. There were days when my articles got zero traction and those were very hard days for me. It took a lot out of me to detach my feelings from the number of likes and comments.
I once had a client who used to say “Social Media can make even the most intelligent person feel like a complete moron.” I now totally understand what she meant by that.
- I get extremely guilty of not creating “actionable, strategic or directly business related” content. Most days I’ll pull myself down for not doing more. For not doing Videos or LIVES or providing helpful content. I realise this has been an indoctrination of the Online Industry. If you don’t always provide “valuable” content, you won’t make it. Nothing is further from the truth but I still get my wrapped up in it.
- I am proud of the stuff I’ve written about. I went into the project with one thing in mind “Full Self Expression” and even though at times I wanted to sound intelligent, I am so happy that I stayed true to my commitment.
- Some days I wonder why I chose 120 days. It seems like a long time, but I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of my soul yet, so……
- The days that get hard, when I don’t have the enthusiasm or can’t think of a topic or the writing doesn’t flow, I have to say this mantra “Dear Universe, I am taking care of the quantity, you take care of the quality.”
- I really love Writing. I had forgotten how much. I am so glad that I’ve taken this opportunity to practice my writing muscle & write in a way that I want to write, free of any restrictions or pressure.
I am excited to see what the next 30 days will hold for me. Thank you for reading, you have no idea how much I appreciate you!